Crack Pairings are Hillarious: Drabbles
by Zinbuki-san
Summary: Basically as the title says. Drabbles, drabbles, more drabbles. Random pairings, and I'm open to suggestions. Inspired by RiikuSenpai's drabbles. [Everyone x Everyone XD] [T just in case]
1. NaruSasu  for RiikuSenpai

_For __**Riiku-Senpai**__, for writing me an awesome KisaTen drabble. X3 I owe her a NaruSasu drabble, so here, take it D: _

_I don't like this pairing, personally, but I promised, so... and besides, she went through the difficulty of KisaTen, something _**I**_ can't even pull off. _

_She liked writing it, but found it difficult._

_I hate NaruSasu, but it should be easy. We're square XD_

_**DISCLAAAAIM: **__Own not Naruto do I. Own not, either, Yoda's sentence structure._

Pretend You Love Me

Naruto wasn't quite sure how it happened, but somehow, he had wound up in this _damn_ place, at this _damn_ time, with his _**damn**_face in view for the first time in a long time. And personally, the blonde was not happy. But apparently, the offender was. Speak of the devil, he was smirking right now.

"Ohayo, baka." Sasuke sneered. _'Ah,' _Naruto thought, '_damn that stupid smirk of his!'_

Naruto's throat rumbled in a deep growl. "Ohayo?! _Ohayo?!_ You ABANDON us, and all you can say, after _all _these years is _good morning?!"_

Sasuke appeared as if to be in thought as Naruto seethed, his aura seeping rage out of every pore. Decisively, the Uchiha nodded. "Hai, ohayo. That's about it."

Naruto's eye twitched. "What about Sakura-chan? I know she's not here, but is _that_ what you'd say to her – after leaving, after abandoning, after LEAVING her on a cold, stone bench?! Sasuke-teme, you're such a bastard!" He flung a kunai at his previous team-mate, rage encasing him. Sasuke dodged easily.

"Yes, that's what I'd say to her, too. Well, unless it were evening of course." He grinned. Naruto scowled. "And besides, Naruto-_kun,_"The stress he put on the last syllable was heavy with sarcasm, "You know just as well as I do that neither of us really care for Sakura."

Naruto's face flushed and Sasuke began stepping towards the blonde as he spoke. Naruto inched back nervously, he tried to stammer out a question, asking Sasuke what he was talking about. Before he knew it, the orange-clad Konoha nin found his back pressed against a tree, and Sasuke was uncomfortably close.

Sasuke leaned close to Naruto's face, a glint of something the blonde didn't like in his blood red eye. "Why else would you have so _obsessively_ chased me all these years? You don't care for her any more than I do." He grinned that sickly sweet grin. "No, don't argue – stop using Sakura for your excuse. You've tracked me down for your own… purposes? Amusement? …No, for your own wants… maybe needs?" He hissed out the last word, drawing it longer than it needed to be.

Naruto flinched. Sasuke was right.

_There, there's your NaruSasu XD I had no idea what to do, but I do like how it came out. DAMN I'm never writing yaoi again… sorry, it's just too awkward for me and my post-traumatic-syndrome. But hey, it was due, and I'd gladly write ten of these for a decent KisaTen. :D (Which, Riiku-san, you did write decently, regardless what you say. XD)_

_AND NO, everyone else, you don't get ten NaruSasu one-shots if you write me a KisaTen. Sry, doesn't work that way. XD ONE TIME OFFER and Riiku took it. XD_


	2. Paralyser

_Heeeeey all. Sorry for not updating much lately, but it's been busy - with final essays and projects and all. I know alot of you have been bugging me to continue my Toku Jounin/Yamanaka story thing, and I will... when I have more time DX For now, though, here's a little dash of Ino for you._

_Man, crack pairings are hillarious XD_

_**Disclaimer: **Even if I own't Naruto, which I don't, I'd still write fanfics. Yes, it's possible to write fanfictions of your own creations. Believe me, I've done it. _

_Enjooooy._

* * *

Paralyser

_So far as not been good,  
It's been shitty  
and I feel awkward as I should_

The first time he fought her, he considered her completely interesting. The blonde girl – no, she was more of a woman – was loud, arrogant, and her techniques were downright infuriating. He hadn't won, simply because her teammates were with her. They had first tried to use the fat one's techniques on him, only to realize that such taijutsu was generally useless against his own techniques. Then there was the boy with the shadow manipulation techniques... well, those were what got him, really. He barely got out of that one.

_Well, I'm not paralyzed,  
But I seem to be struck by you_

The second time they fought, she was with another girl – woman, sorry – with pink hair. This made it more interesting, as he got a good taste of the blonde's skills, without any real meddling. It seemed the pink-haired one was not only her friend, but pretty tough, as well, but since he had disabled her leg and an arm almost instantaneously she didn't do too much fighting. That was how he got a full dose of the blonde's attitude. Again, he found her to be loud, arrogant, and infuriating. Before their fight got too serious, the pink haired one's team came to the rescue, much to his disdain. He had actually just about had them. He did, however, discover the woman's name was Ino.

_I wanna make you move  
Because your standin' still _

This current moment was the third time, and this time, the blonde was alone. Alone, injured, and in the middle of some god-forsaken forest, a place aptly referred to of the middle of nowhere. And, since she was injured, he figured it would be easy to rid himself of this nuisance for once and for all. Hell, she could barely stand. He appeared in front of her just then, and suddenly so. She gasped and stumbled back in surprise. She was bleeding quite profusely, he noted, and she was clutching at her ribs. One guess was she got a good slash, or one of her ribs was so busted it was poking out. She gritted her teeth and glared at him with those alluring, icy, blue eyes. Neither had seen the other in at least two years.

_Well I'm still imagining  
A dark lit place  
Or your place or my place_

"Look," she seethed in a shaking voice, "I'm not in the mood to fight you right now. I've got more important things to do." He was most amused to find a small trickle of red running its way past her softly painted lips and down her chin.

He didn't respond to her comment; he had yet to say a single word at all in her presence.

"Geez, don't talk much do ya?" She scoffed. Point proven. She slowly lumbered forwards and brushed past him. He turned to face her clumsily retreating form.

"If you're trying to make it to the nearest settlement, I can tell you now you won't." He stated flatly.

She fought back a chuckle, instead breaking into a slight cough. "Ah, he speaks," Ino taunted. She spun, resting her back heavily on the large tree behind her. "And why won't I? Are you going to kill me, is that it?"

"Even if I don't touch you..." he paused, and when he spoke next is was almost as though a completely different person was speaking. "You'll die before you get that far, stupid. It's a long way off. Maybe I should kill you now, and save you the trouble."

She grunted and cocked an eyebrow, smirking at him. "No thanks, but I think I'll pass on both of those." Well, even terribly injured she retained her loud, arrogant, infuriating personality.

He took a shuffling step towards her silently. She grimaced, as if knowing exactly what he was going to do. She immediately spun to face him, out of habit, perhaps, and fell to her knees with a gasp of pain. He took another slow step forwards. Her arms flew up, in an unfamiliar gesture. He took another step forwards. She shouted a warning for him to back off. He continued with another step towards her.

"_Mind Transfer Jutsu!_" She screeched.

_If your body matches what your eyes can do,  
You'll probably move right through me  
On my way to you_

There was a moment of sheer silence and stillness, as though the world itself was holding its breath. Her body slumped forwards to the ground, and he recoiled as though he had just been punched in the face, though he felt nothing physically wrong. He attempted to move towards her body, but nothing happened. Instead, he laughed. Low and slowly, at first, but then it picked up.

"Now I can use your body to transport mine... you're in good shape, I think I can get there in no time!" She cried in his voice, in a sickeningly gleeful way.

His body moved forwards a step. It strained to move the other foot, but nothing happened.

"What the hell?!" his vocal chords buzzed in dismay. "Why won't you move?!" His left arm flailed a bit in rage, all in effort of her straining to move the right half of his body.

"Hn, it seems you managed to overcome him." He said, in his own voice. "Annoying whelp."

"W-what?" The left half of his body struggled even more. "What are you trying to say?!" His voice – controlled by Ino – rose an octave to a dreadful wail. "What is this, how come you still have some control?!"

"Technically, I have full control. You do too."

"Obviously I don't, stupid!" She said, continuing to attempt to move his body forwards. His left hand, under her influence, flailed in front of his face. "See?! This is about all I can do...!"

His right hand, under his control, gripped harshly his left wrist and lowered the arm. "Shut up. I have all the control I had before, and you've taken all his control."

"He?! Who's he?!" his own voice retorted in dismay.

"Hn, my other half, obviously, moron."

"What other half?"

"I'll tell you if you leave my body." He grunted.

"No, I don't think I will. If I do, you'll just kill me anyways!"

"Nh, you'll die if you stay here, too. Your body won't stop bleeding on it's own."

She cried out in frustration. "So what the hell is this then, why do you have two minds?!" He didn't answer, so she persisted. "Who the hell are you, anyways?! I know you're Akatsu-"

"Zetsu." It felt strange to her, probably, when her sentence was cut short simply because the vocal chords took up another task. He was used to it, though.

"...Zetsu? Was that both your names?"

"Yes."

"Oh... well... uuh... hey, let's cut a deal. I'll leave your body as soon as mine gets to safety. I'll need your help for that, though. Is it a deal?"

Zetsu's right and black half was silent for a moment. "Deal." Ino wasn't sure if this was some sort of plot or a genuine agreement, but she chose to take that chance.

He stepped his half forwards – he was used to moving like this. And when her forward shuffle was delayed, he knew well that she wasn't. It didn't take too long, but they were finally close enough to her body. They bent over, and he watched his left arm clutch feebly at her literally mindless form. He, though, in interest, plucked at one of her limp arms, and then he began to show an interest in picking at her jounin vest.

"What are you doing?" she scolded, "pick me up!" A grin spread across the black half of Zetsu's face.

"You know, you sure do look delicious..."

_Well, I'm not paralyzed  
But I seem to be struck by you  
I wanna make you move  
Because you're standin' still  
If your body matches what your eyes can do  
You'll probably move right through me  
On my way to you_

* * *

_Song lyrics are from the song "Paralyser" by Finger Eleven. That song kindasortanotreally inspired this. I just like that song, okay?!_

_As always, don't be afraid to review, I'm open to any feedback - yes, even flames. Also, if you have any crack-suggestions, fill me in! I'd love to come up with some wacky connection for ya! XD_


End file.
